Ph.D. school is neither school nor work.

Ph.D. school is a monastic experience. And, a jealous hobby.

Solving problems and writing up papers well enough to pass peer review demands contemplative labor on days, nights and weekends.

Reading through all of the related work takes biblical levels of devotion.

Ph.D. school even comes with built-in vows of poverty and obedience.

The end brings an ecclesiastical robe and a clerical hood.

http://matt.might.net/articles/ways-to-fail-a-phd/

It’s ok. I’ve tried my best.

Tomorrow will be exactly one month since my phone has been in dry storage. It will be significant as it tells me if like my phone, I will eventually recover. It was a birthday gift I bought for myself, and I certainly did not expect God to take it away…

Now as a follower of the way, I can’t help but notice that there many verses in the Bible that implies and assumes that believers first love themselves, but now we are to move beyond ourselves and care for others. The fact that Jesus did not reject the concept of healthy self-love explicitly suggests to me that it may be right to love oneself. Afterall, we are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and we are to live our lives in a way that glorifies God. Futhermore, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. If we are not good stewards in taking care of our bodies, then how can we be good stewards in taking care of His household, the church?  ‘For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it.’

We are commanded to love our neighbour as ourselves. If one can’t love oneself, how much of love can he or she show his/her neighbour? A person who eats only reduced to clear and discounted food will find it hard to bring himself to buy good things to bless another person. Likewise, a self-critical person is unlikely to be lenient or forgiving with others.

From another point of view, the concept of love is closely tied to the 10th commandment, ‘Do not covet’. The constant desire to be like someone else, or to have certain traits, with the exception of character traits, bellies a belief that one would be a better creator than God himself. That is idolatry, or it is perceiving God not how He is truly like; and harboring faulty views of the nature of God. Clearly, it would lead to problems later on with regards to God’s goodness, faithfulness and love.

Yet, this isn’t an invitation to love others only after one has learned to love oneself. They are to go hand and in hand. But I have lived much of my life learning to give to others, and perhaps not doing anything special for myself. I suppose I have led a pretty ascetic lifestyle thus far. I looked back at how I tried to brace through winter with little, and non-effective clothes, because I refused to spend above a certain budget to buy clothes to keep warm. I get hungry easily but I did not increase my uptake. The consequence is that I became miserable and ultimately slipped into depression.

But do I deserve to love myself? I am a gnostic and I find it hard to answer yes to that question.

1. GB for showing me much love and grace, and forgiving me despite the horrible way in which I behaved
2. Her response allowed me to contemplate on the love of God
3. Taking it a step further – I saw how I was like one of those in the crowd; one moment I was welcoming Jesus on Palm Sunday, yet I was part of the same mob that cried for his crucifixion a few days later. Despite the fact that I am guilty of causing His death, He still asked His Father to forgive me, for He believed that I did not know what I was doing.
4. For a wonderful trip to Glasgow – I got to know my colleagues and professor better
5. I found out that the stress and challenges that I face are not unique. For the first time, I do not feel so lonely anymore.
6. I was pretty well fed…I made sure that I was full for each meal
7. My colleagues were impressed with my introduction and gave me feedback to include line drawings of abuse, explain the purpose of the methodology/experiment/simulation…and carry out multi-body simulations.
8. For a Bible in the hostel room. I found time to read part of 1 Peter
9. For WX and BH for inviting me to lunch today, and challenging me to find someone to disciple me here
10. For BH’s thoughtfulness in passing me some second hand boots, down jacket, clothes and lotus leaf!
11. For the time spent with the family. It was through observing the children that I realised that God loves us all but deal with each differently.
12. My handphone is performing better than the first time I tried it. It is now back in dry storage to suck more moisture out.

A loud bang was heard so they say
Yet one can’t recall what was heard
Something fell from the roof they thought
Only to find a person on the floor

I watched my handphone fall from my hand
Into the toilet bowl for a swim
My birthday treat after saving for months
Its life sniffed out in just a while.

The physical pain overwhelmed me
The emotional turmoil that my only valuable is lost
Where is God in all all this midst
Afflicting me unceasingly.

“O that I might have my request,
and that God would grant my desire;
that it would please God to crush me,
that he would let loose his hand and cut me off!
This would be my consolation;
I would even exult in pain unsparing;
for I have not denied the words of the Holy One.
What is my strength, that I should wait?
And what is my end, that I should be patient?
Is my strength the strength of stones,
or is my flesh bronze?
In truth I have no help in me,
and any resource is driven from me.” (Job 6:8-13 RSV)

Therefore I will not restrain my mouth;
I will speak in the anguish of my spirit;
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
Am I the sea, or a sea monster,
that thou settest a guard over me?
When I say, ‘My bed will comfort me,
my couch will ease my complaint,’
then thou dost scare me with dreams
and terrify me with visions,
so that I would choose strangling
and death rather than my bones.
I loathe my life; I would not live for ever.
Let me alone, for my days are a breath.
What is man, that thou dost make so much of him,
and that thou dost set thy mind upon him,
dost visit him every morning,
and test him every moment?
How long wilt thou not look away from me,
nor let me alone till I swallow my spittle?
If I sin, what do I do to thee, thou watcher of men?
Why hast thou made me thy mark?
Why have I become a burden to thee?
Why dost thou not pardon my transgression
and take away my iniquity?
For now I shall lie in the earth;
thou wilt seek me, but I shall not be.” (Job 7:11-21 RSV)

And Job 3, 16 and 30…

1. After getting stuck on a problem for almost the entire afternoon, I worked out an analytical solution for the width of a ring in x-direction
2. Thereafter, I plotted a simple graph to find the variation in this width
3. I came to the conclusion that the transformed ring would have a varying width for all y
4. The result is an enlarged section before the ring ends – which will bear most of the stress – which is what is seen in my analytical results
5. Tomorrow – plot the ring and circle out for purpose of visualization
6. Looking forward to cooking pasta for dinner
7. This goes to show that in the midst of all my troubles, even when God seem silent and distant, He is still there to help.

2. For being able to sort out the data and plot out the graphs

3. For rental decrease, even though it’s short-lived

4. For a happy problem of which 3rd tenant to choose

5. For friends to help me out with formal letter writing in Chinese

6. For completing some studies on bending effects on two materials.

7. For being able to work from first principles the Moments of Inertia of simple objects

8. For a friend who met up with me for tea.