Exactly one year ago, I would have felt stressed out for my impending exams. I would be wishing that I have more time to study for all my courses. The lack of time back then, acerbated by the desire to excel in my studies, is the source of my stress. I remember the time when I want to suceed, when I have dreams to chase, when there was hope…they all seem to have vaporized, just like the burst of the financial bubble. But the hope and dreams were not like the property bubble where there was unjustified optimism. I had reasons to work hard. I have scholarships and publications and results to achieve to open my doors to the next phase of my life. I’ve been fighting so hard all my life and i don’t want to give up so easily…

Until. Until Tino left. His departure was a big blow to me. I was looking foward to having him as my supervisor for my thesis. I have waited 2 years to take his 2 electives on Biomechanics. It was the start of the sign that something is seriously wrong with my school (note: faculty in this case, not the entire university). I came back in a state of shock. I think my dear prof probably should have kept the possible bad news from me. It made me very depressed. Of course, God sent Jessica to wake me up, which I did, but I had become very lethargic by then.

I wasn’t hearing from God as well, despite a seemingly good time at L’abri where I studied God’s word, prayed but didn’t read the Bible so much per se. But the experience did bring me to a whole new level of understanding with Him. The desire to apply Christianity as a superculture, a philosophy for my life changed my whole outlook. I learned also to be thankful there, something which has dwindled tremendously since I returned to Singapore.

It has always been my dream to do a PhD, but I just realised it’s almost too late to apply for US universities for admission in Fall anymore. I still can apply for the Spring admission, but chances for scholarships are much lower I guess, and in some cases, not available at all. I honestly don’t know what to do. I have never done any career planning. I do not know what I want in life. But I know I want to honour God, and give Him the glory. A bonus wouold be an area where my father can’t comment much. Otherwise, to gain his approval will drive me nuts. And while I don’t even seek that, his comments and criticisms will be unbearing while he is oblivious to the hurt he has been causing me.

The Friday that passed saw my worst fears realised. I have confirmed the rumour that my dear prof is leaving. Another blow. I need him to write reference letters, and this means whether I feel like it or not, I just have to give a shot at the PhD positions. Otherwise, I’m not sure how he is to write when he is no longer around.

Exams are round the corner. Why is it that I can sit down and complete my work for lab, presentation, but I am not demotivated to study for my exams? If it’s not burnout, then it’s depression.

Honestly, it sucks. I’m very upset now. Disappointed as well. Darn. No one seems to understand as usual.

Today marks the last night of my travels with my friends. Tomorrow, it’s back to life. I have enjoyed the 5 days’ respite very much. Tomorrow will be my 6th day, but it will be a day spent on traveling. It’s interesting that both the friends I have met are not locals, but are scholars from abroad. What seems coincidental is that both of them aspire to become doctors. The obstacles along the way are very real, yet they refuse to give up. It’s a quiet sense of fighting, taking other options until their dreams are fulfilled. I admire their preserverance, but also their flexibility and belief that they will live their dreams one day.

Juxtapose that with my behaviour and I can’t help but say that I’ve grown more enclosed in my outlook over the years. I’m less flexible than I was 8 years ago. I’ve climbed too high up the success leader, and I will admit upfront that it’s not easy being humble. It’s not easy dealing with setbacks especially since I obtained what I wanted while I was dead to the flesh. Now, I need to die to my sins, and learn that I cannot measure success by my own standards.

It was only here in Italy that I finally decided to play with Facebook. I had an account set up last year, but I never bothered about it. I have never liked social bookmarking websites. I know its potential, I leverage on them when I develop websites but it stops there. Sì, basta. Since I have some free time while waiting for my computer to render some images, I decided to explore, and poof, I discovered that so many of my ex-classmates are on Facebook. Some have added me, I have added some, but I’m still lazy. Too lazy to upload photos or even write on someone’s walls.

Yet, I feel rather awkward talking to my classmates once again. Afterall, I was never good at maintaining relationships. This is one thing schools don’t teach, so I never learned until I left JC. The friends I keep in contact with are unfortunately not my RJ friends, but rather my HC friends. Isn’t it ironic? I hardly even talk to my classmate whom I see every Sunday.

It’s with a mix of feelings as I start joining groups. The Raffles Family has given me a sense of identity, and I am proud to be a Rafflesian, even though I would only reluctantly admit that I’m from such a premier JC. Maybe it has more to do with the people that I study with NTU. I don’t want them to see me as someone who can’t understand their problem.

As I see my friends going places, all over the world, I’m happy for them. I’m proud of the fine and rich tradition in which I was brought up in. Seeing where my classmates are now makes me feel somewhat inferior. Most of them can be classified into 3 groups – overseas, law or medicine. I don’t fall into any of these groups.

Last year when I went back to RJ to promote my scholarship, I can’t help but feel that my once-upon friends didn’t really want to associate with me. Maybe they look down on local scholars. Well, it is perhaps true that an overseas education is more all-rounded, but it is certainly not fitting for a scholar to think that way. My junior who is at Cambridge didn’t catch up with me even though I tried talking to her.

Honestly, it ain’t so important to me now.  It is a probably a process to filter out true friends and acquaintances. It is also probably a process to trust God that remaining in Singapore for my undergraduate education was what was best for me.

It’s ironic that I first learned of the above-mentioned word just 1 week ago and I’m actually stuck in such a situation. I very much want my own backpack for my Italian trip. I wanted something that I like so that I would use it regularly for the next few years. Backpacks mean a lot to me especially since I have a special liking towards them. Like sports shoes, I enjoy looking at them, admiring them, studying the technology behind them. When I finally have the chance to own a backpack of my own, I find that many obstacles have come my way.

I started off asking my Vietnamese friend to buy for me, thinking that he would be returning to his country during the holidays. Alas, we had a miscommunication and he didn’t plan to go back at all! Then the Lord impressed upon me a name. When I asked her, she just returned from Vietnam 2 days ago, leaving me wondering what was happening.

While searching, I found out that the backpack I so desired cost a hefty $275. I was devastated. I liked it so much, yet it wasn’t something I can afford. I remembered I texted Agnes telling her that we can forget about it all together. Then I happened to share with Christina my problem who kindly helped me ask her father-in-law who was going to Hanoi. I appreciate her kindness but I wouldn’t pin all my hope on that.

Then Miriam came with an offer for her son’s old backpack. It’s huge at 60L, not something which I can carry. At the same time, the cell has already contributed money to bless me with a backpack. I feel troubled because I don’t feel good taking people’s money to buy such a backpack. If I buy a cheap one, it’s fine. Buying such a middle-high-end one may seem frivolous. I was told that any excess money would go towards my pocket, and that’s where the main problem lies. This means that I’m classified as ‘poor’ and I cannot be going to ‘play’ in Italy. I very much want to save money and travel, participate in outdoor sports, and eat. But if I’m classified as ‘poor’, then it doesn’t seem justifiable for me to do that. Granted that my parents are not very willing to finance me, but I think it’s really still possible for me to save up and ‘play’. But now I think I’m not allowed to do that anymore.

A trilemma. God spoke to me, “Don’t worry. Everything is in control.” I don’t know. I want to believe that. But somehow, I think I’ve messed things up.

I shall not hide the truth. Studying is relatively easy, if you are competing with people from a wide spectrum. It’s generally easy to do well at ‘O’ and ‘A’ levels (as compared to prelims) because after averaging, and comparing with people from varied background, you would realise you are not so bad afterall. Not so if your competitors are creme de la creme from all over the world. This is why it makes a person stands out if he completed his studies in world-renowned universities like MIT, Harvard, Cambridge, Oxford. If you want to be the best, you just have to fight and fight. No choice, unless you prefer to end up with lower grades. But not so if you are smart.

I’m tired. I’m not even in the top 10 university but the people I have to fight with foreign scholars who are the top from each country. The locals I fight with are very very hard working. They lead a very enclosed life. My prof comments that they don’t know anything happening around the world but their own studies. But these are the people I’m fighting with.

I think I’m losing.

I’ve not surfed around to look at blogs for weeks, and when I find myself doing so, I find God speaking to me once again through blogs. Sometimes, it’s so straight to the point that it’s painful, but it nevertheless speaks to me and forces me to evaluate my own point of view. Today, Shawn Blanc’s post takes the credit:

http://shawnblanc.net/2007/the-truth-about-good-leaders/

To be a good leader you have to do what nobody else is doing even though everyone else wants to. You have to blaze the trail.

That Moment – when you are sitting right on the edge of something daring and scary and creative and powerful and perhaps wonderful… and you blink and take a step back.

That’s the moment. The moment between you and remarkable. Most people blink. Most people get stuck.

All the hard work and preparation and daring and luck is nothing compared with the ability to not blink.

- Seth Godin

Having the ability to make choices and follow through is what seperates the men from the boys. Those following are only trying to do what the someone else already did because they didn’t have the self-discipline to make it happen on their own.

Once you’ve blazed that trail you have to make a way for others.

The best leaders serve those who are watching. They do what’s best for everyone around. They’re servants.