Whirlwinds of Life

My Professor talked about how young people should be energetic, filled with passion and visionary. She often discussed about the curiosity to explore, to learn, to grow. She has often encouraged me, counseled and advised me to pursue my dreams, yet I am now the very anti-thesis of what she has hoped for me.

Although life has never been easy, I have often embraced each challenge with a sort of optimism and a kind of hope, a type of assurance. Yet, things seemed to have taken a sharp U-turn. I wonder what has caused a gray cloud of skepticism to drape itself over me. It is dark, depressive, and menacing. It threatens to devour me, even as I attempt to fight it. It causes me to sin, to doubt, to question - all in dis-empowering ways.   When my faith that the Mighty One would provide is already at its rock bottom, this incident attempts to rub away the very last threads that define the fabric of my life in God. This sadness, helplessness, and hopelessness strain the fabric, and inches it day by day towards material failure. If it doesn’t break my faith in Him, it will break me. Cracks always happen first at the weakest link.

Although it may not be one of the 7 deadly sins, but there should not be any distinction between intensities of sin. All sin causes God to look on us with scorn as it disrupts our relationship with God. We also fail to bring glory to God when we sin. It is certainly not a case of self-expectation, but in accordance with the thought propagated by Paul - to put to death whatever sin that God unearths. For ’sin is crouching at your door; and its desire is to master you, but you must master it.’ (Genesis 4:7).

When all feelings point in opposite directions to what one knows, that is when we must exercise self-control before sin crushes us. As I write all these, I am well aware that I may be fighting a losing a battle, for ‘nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.’ Dealing with sin is never a pleasant affair, but one should try to get all the help one can get. It means making one more vulnerable for future hurts, but it is always better than the undesirable consequence of letting sin crush us. As for that incident, no one can solve the problem I face or offer the solace I need.