This might sound like a self-deprecating entry, but it will exist because I need a platform to think aloud some issues.

I am not exactly an extrovert. I am mildly extroverted, as I like to hang around people and I tend to sort things out loud (which explains this blog). But I am very comfortable working alone, as I can have greater control over my time, and direction of the project. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy group work; I had some very successful group projects before, and the working relationship was wonderful.

However, I generally have difficulties mixing with my own peers. I don’t know, there’s just nothing for me to ask, to talk to them about. Whatever that I have learned in leadership, to engage people and involve people, fall flat on my face when it comes to mixing with my peers. Maybe it’s a case of knowing too much, and being too aware that I am very different. Or it could be a fear of competition, of being looked down upon, whatever bad experiences I had in primary school or even kindergarden.

Yet, I know when there’s a bunch of Christians who come visiting a cell group, I just won’t have the tendency to even want to make them feel at home. I wonder about this, because I recall the time when Claire joined the International Bible Study at Trento. It was difficult for me initially, but I took to listening, and then asking questions. We became friends after that and in fact traveled together.

Maybe it’s a case when I see that a clique already exists, and thus I feel they are happy in their own clique, and why should I disturb equilibrium by joining? Group dynamics change whenever someone join or leaves, and I am uncomfortable in groups where I don’t fit in or feel a lot of tension because of my presence. It’s awkward for me I guess.

I think another issue could be that I feel very inferior whenever I see an existing group of second generation Christians. It makes me feel lousy. I don’t think I choose consciously to feel that way, but I recall being jealous of Andre back at Trento. It was difficult to stop myself from doing that, and I had to pray for forgiveness constantly. I don’t know how to explain…I feel as if God short-changed me. Why was my salvation so late? Compared to them who don’t face persecutions like I do, I cry and feel that God hasn’t been fair. A good Christian upbringing helps tremendously but I can’t help but feel I have been disadvantaged forever. I have never been given opportunities to grow like people who grew up in the church, not even opportunities to try out ministries; I have never been loved in a special way from those who saw them grow up. People’s love for me is simply more shallow. Since relationship takes time, a catch up game is never possible.

I guess I also detest it when they think they know everything and tries to offer solutions for the persecutions I face. What do they know about persecutions? What do they know about oppressive parents? If their parents have been good Christians, they won’t know anything. They have simply been shielded, and yes, it is a good thing but since their view are limited, they probably should not offer impractical advice.

It’s also impossible for me to catch up with years of knowledge and understanding of the Lord my same-age peers. It’s just not possible unless I attend seminary. If they started permeating in the truth since they were 2, when children start speaking and can respond and say ‘Amen’, then I’m slow by 18 years.

I have desires to reach an intimate relationship with God. It has always been my aim, but now they seem unattainable. And I know myself, I don’t go after things that I know wouldn’t have a good chance of achieving.