Exactly one year ago, I would have felt stressed out for my impending exams. I would be wishing that I have more time to study for all my courses. The lack of time back then, acerbated by the desire to excel in my studies, is the source of my stress. I remember the time when I want to suceed, when I have dreams to chase, when there was hope…they all seem to have vaporized, just like the burst of the financial bubble. But the hope and dreams were not like the property bubble where there was unjustified optimism. I had reasons to work hard. I have scholarships and publications and results to achieve to open my doors to the next phase of my life. I’ve been fighting so hard all my life and i don’t want to give up so easily…

Until. Until Tino left. His departure was a big blow to me. I was looking foward to having him as my supervisor for my thesis. I have waited 2 years to take his 2 electives on Biomechanics. It was the start of the sign that something is seriously wrong with my school (note: faculty in this case, not the entire university). I came back in a state of shock. I think my dear prof probably should have kept the possible bad news from me. It made me very depressed. Of course, God sent Jessica to wake me up, which I did, but I had become very lethargic by then.

I wasn’t hearing from God as well, despite a seemingly good time at L’abri where I studied God’s word, prayed but didn’t read the Bible so much per se. But the experience did bring me to a whole new level of understanding with Him. The desire to apply Christianity as a superculture, a philosophy for my life changed my whole outlook. I learned also to be thankful there, something which has dwindled tremendously since I returned to Singapore.

It has always been my dream to do a PhD, but I just realised it’s almost too late to apply for US universities for admission in Fall anymore. I still can apply for the Spring admission, but chances for scholarships are much lower I guess, and in some cases, not available at all. I honestly don’t know what to do. I have never done any career planning. I do not know what I want in life. But I know I want to honour God, and give Him the glory. A bonus wouold be an area where my father can’t comment much. Otherwise, to gain his approval will drive me nuts. And while I don’t even seek that, his comments and criticisms will be unbearing while he is oblivious to the hurt he has been causing me.

The Friday that passed saw my worst fears realised. I have confirmed the rumour that my dear prof is leaving. Another blow. I need him to write reference letters, and this means whether I feel like it or not, I just have to give a shot at the PhD positions. Otherwise, I’m not sure how he is to write when he is no longer around.

Exams are round the corner. Why is it that I can sit down and complete my work for lab, presentation, but I am not demotivated to study for my exams? If it’s not burnout, then it’s depression.