Struggles

I am in a fighting mode. No longer fighting to learn Italian. No longer fighting to have my way. No longer fighting to conquer my surroundings. No. I’ve gone past that. I’m jaded and I have to some extent given up on that. I now fight with God.

I can’t help but wonder where is God in the whole picture? Anita once described my trip to Italy as a gift from God. When cell group prayed for me before I left, I was described to be like Abraham leaving Haran. I took offense at that. It turned out to be so true - leaving behind my comfort zone - my friends, my family. In essence, everything that I was thriving so well in. I am certainly not the best back in SG but certainly I was doing relatively well.

Until I came here. I struggled. I fought. I tried. Nothing works. It seemed worse because a fellow Singaporean. An old school mate of mine, is also here on the same scholarship. Everything is so smooth trodden for her - free Italian class. She even got a plane ride from SG to Verona, which is the nearest airport from where I am. The most incredible thing is that the scholarship agreement stated clearly that we are to fly only to Rome or Milan. I got the furthest - Rome, and I had to endure one day without food and water.

My attempt to learn Italian has been such a struggle. I ask God why send me to Italy if He doesn’t want me to learn the language? Does He not want me to survive. Looking at it now, it seems like I am speaking like the Israelites who have been brought out of Egypt. The only difference is that God didn’t promise me  anything good out of the Italy trip. He didn’t. I waited 4 months for the free Italian course, only to be so sorely disappointed. I haven’t recovered from it honestly. I couldn’t understand how a course that was supposed to be free for me turned out to an encounter where I see Italians putting obstacles after obstacles up for me. There were a lot of absurdity there and for the sake of my nice Italian friends, I rather not put them down here.

I am now at a juncture where I need to decide what I want to do in the future. I am just one year shy from graduation and if I want to undertake further tertiary education, the preparation starts now. Joel has described this as a time when I need to trust God. But looking at what has happened to me in Italy, I find it difficult to do so. I would very much like to do so, but the pain that I went through in Italy makes me feel that this God that I worship is… I don’t know. I have a relationship with Him but why doesn’t He take care of me? I know God takes care of His children. He clothes them, give them a future and a hope. But why does it seem to be reversely true for me? I grieve. I cry. But does He hear? Honestly I don’t know. I am afraid.

There are times I want to leave, but I will always think about the baptism of fire. There are consequences for leaving as well.